TEASER
(Outside Middlesex college- Students are at a bonfire rally)
GREG HARMALARD: My name is Greg Harmalard and I’m here to recruit you. (Students cheer) Tomorrow night, our noble conference champions, the Middlesex Archers, (Students take an archer’s pose) take on the desperate and conniving Forrest Lake Otters. (Boos) Right about now, the Otters must be wondering where their mascot went. (A crane over the bonfire rises to reveal the Otter mascot hanging from it) Archers ready your bows… archers raise your bows… archers aim…archers fire!
(The bonfire is set alight by the archers as the students cheer on)
GREG HARMALARD: Ladies and Gentleman of Middlesex College, aim your weapons…fire at will.
(The students throw all they have it and they fire a blunderbuss. The mascot rips apart as the victim hangs by an ankle over the bonfire.
STUDENTS: Oh my god! Oh my God! It’s real!
(They run and scream out)
(Cut to – Outside Middlesex College, the next morning)
BRENNAN: Male…some of this costume is fused to the remains
DEAN WARNER: Ah, Good morning, I’m Vernon Warner, the dean of students.
BOOTH: I’m special agent Seeley Booth, this here is Dr Temperance Brennan from the Jeffersonian.
BRENNAN: There is a lot of damage to this body.
SHERRIF TINA MILLINS: They had a cannon, more like a blunderbuss, really, filled to the brink with bric-a-brac and shrapnel.
DEAN WARNER: Yeah, look, I suspect that this might be a prank
BRENNAN: A prank?
BOOTH: It’s college, Bones.
DEAN WARNER: I…I suspect that one of our less reflected frat house may have stolen these remains from the medical school.
SHERRIF TINA MILLINS: Beta, delta, sigma. We’ve got a missing cadaver reported yesterday.
BOOTH: (Proudly) You know, Bones, when I was in College, my fraternity, we stole a cadaver, dressed it up like Caesar and put it on a statue of a horse
BRENNAN: Would this, by any chance, be a fraternity of sociopaths?
DEAN WARNER: Ah! But the Betas did do this, I will withdraw their certifications.
BOOTH: Stolen cadaver was male, 73 years old, his snowmobile fell through the ice, donated his body to science.
DEAN WARNER: Yes, snowmobilers and motorcyclists are our main source of cadavers.
BRENNAN: No. The third molar has not fully erupted. I’d be surprised if he was older than mid-20’s.
DEAN WARNER: So this is not the missing cadaver?
BRENNAN: I think you’ll find you missing medical school cadaver is over there.
BOOTH: Where?
BRENNAN: Sitting on the bleachers. He hasn’t moved since we got here.
SHERRIF TINA MILLINS: No that’s just campus security. They’re always like that, but I’ll go check it out.
DEAN WARNER: So if he is not a stolen cadaver, then, uh…he wasn’t alive when our students shot him with the cannon, was he?
BRENNAN: I won’t know the cause of death until I get him back to the lab.
SHERRIF TINA MILLINS: Yeah, she’s right; it’s your cadaver, reeks of formaldehyde.
BOOTH: ‘k, let’s get it all back to the Jeffersonian, shall we?
Cut to: Jeffersonian lab, forensic platform
(Cam approaches the body where Angela was already looking at the victim)
CAM: Looks like someone took a flamethrower at a Sasquatch!
ANGELA: Well, this is what he was supposed to look like (Shows a picture)
CAM: Someone finally killed a mascot? (Arastoo Vaziri arrives on the platform)
CAM: Mister Vaziri, do you have the X-Rays?
ARASTOO: Yes. I have never seen so many foreign objects in human remains before. Arrows, marbles, jacks, various coins, cutlery, my best guess is a nuclear explosion just as the victim entered the 99 cent store. (Cam tries not to laugh)
ANGELA: Well, uh, close…He was shot by a blunderbuss, pelted by an angry mob and then burned.
CAM: Now that’s what I call team spirit (they look at her strangely) I’m a wisecracking pathologist with a dark sense of humor.
ANGELA: It was funny (Angela nods).
TITLES
ACT 1
Cut to: Diner;
(Jared is at the bar eating when Booth arrives. Brennan is on the phone in the office. )
BOOTH: What did they say?
(Jared hands Booth an envelope that he opens)
BOOTH: Dishonorable discharge?
JARED: Court Martial convicted me of misuse of authority and theft of government property.
BOOTH: Ahh. No Booth has ever gotten a dishonorable discharge.
JARED: Uh yea. No Booth has ever had to save his brother from an insane kidnapper.
BOOTH: Sorry
JARED: I owed you for digging me out of crap my whole life.
BOOTH: You’re gonna need a job.
JARED: Well, I joined the navy when I was 17, so a job, that’s what civilians refer to as duty, right?
(Booth’s phone rings, and he answers it)
BOOTH: Booth
BRENNAN: Angela identified the boy in the otter suit.
BOOTH: Well, wow, that was quick. (to Jared) Look, just give me a second.
BRENNAN: Are you talking to me?
BOOTH: No, I’m talking to my brother (to Jared) Just give me one minute.
JARED: Do your thing; I’ll catch up with you later. (He leaves)
BOOTH: Look, hey, I’ll help you find a job.
BRENNAN: What? Me?
JARED: I saved your life, you find me a job, yeah that seems fair,
BOOTH: Yeah, I’m back.
BRENNAN: The student’s walk-in dentist was able to provide dental records. I e-mailed you the particulars. The victim is James Bouvier. His friends called him Beaver, I assume because of his last name, which is Bouvier.
BOOTH: Yeah, I’m sure that’s why.
BRENNAN: Although, despite the similar sounds, bouvier means ox, not beaver. Beaver is 23 years old and a member of the Beta Delta Sigma fraternity.
BOOTH: Yeah, that’s not a coincidence.
BRENNAN: Statistically, given the size of the campus, it could be a complete coincidence that the murdered student is also a member of the group of sociopathic young male cadaver thieves.
BOOTH: Statistically, maybe, but this is not math class, ok, Bones. Just meet me at Middlesex college in 30 minutes.
(Booth hangs up the phone)
Cut to: Middlesex College
BOOTH: You don’t mention anything about Beaver when we talk to these people.
BRENNAN: What people?
BOOTH: Those people here, they’re all potential suspects, got it?
BRENNAN: Ok
BOOTH: Ok, so, who organized the rally last night?
GREG HARMALARD: That would be me and Gary
DEAN WARNER: It’s, uh, Greg Harmalard and Gary Bacon.
GREG HARMALARD: The bonfire is kind of a tradition, me and Gary added the whole hanging-of-the-enemy-mascot element, hum Molly brought in the band and took care of letting everyone know the where and when details.
MOLLY BRIGGS: Well, just an e-mail chain really.
BRENNAN: Whose idea was the blunderbuss?
GREG HARMALARD: Me, again. You have to understand that we had no idea there was a cadaver in there.
MOLLY BRIGGS: It’s from the med school, right? It’s what I heard.
BOOTH: Ok, so who stole the otter costume from Forrest Lake?
GARY BACON: Hum, me, Greg and Dave.
BOOTH: When you stole the costume, was there anything inside of it?
GARY BACON: Nothin’, I mean, there was a dancing acrobat dude, or whatever, but we duct taped him to a pole and took the suit.
BRENNAN: Ok, where was the costume located between the time you stole it and when it was hung on the gallows, blown up and incinerated?
MOLLY BRIGGS: We just kicked it under here, it’s the homecoming float.
GARY BACON: Me, Dave and Greg stuffed it with cafeteria leftovers in plastic bags. The head was a cantaloupe.
GREG HARMALARD: Next day, we brought in Dave’s dad’s truck and hung it up, drove it out to the rally.
BOOTH: So, are any of you guys members of the Beta Delta Sigma fraternity.
MOLLY BRIGGS: Hum, the Betas don’t build school spirit, they tear it down, so definitely not.
BOOTH: Any of you guys know a guy by the name of Jimmy Bouvier?
BRENNAN: Also known as Beaver
GARY BACON: Yeah, hum, he’s a Beta, he’s got a huge bong.
GREG HARMALARD: He was ok, he was a good time guy.
MOLLY BRIGGS: He lives to throw up a lot is all I know.
GARY BACON: If anybody was gonna put a cadaver in the otter suit, it’d be Beaver.
GREG HARMALARD: I bet he was watching everyone running and screaming last night, and laughing his ass off.
Cut to – Jeffersonian Lab, Forensic Platform
(Arastoo is digging all the foreign objects that were shit in Beaver’s body and handing them to Hodgins)
HODGINS: This is a commemorative pin from the Chinese Olympics
ARASTOO: it was in what’s left of the victim’s liver.
HODGINS: A ball-bearing…all this stuff is extremely common, nails, screws, bolts, washers, keys.
ARASTOO: What is this?
HODGINS: My guess, it’s a USB drive.
ARASTOO: What kind of people would do this? Perfect human remains with household commonalities and refuse.
HODGINS: I don’t know…every bomber who ever lived?
ARASTOO: Did you make that comment simply because I am Muslim?
HODGINS: You serious? Of course!
ARASTOO: Timothy McVeigh, Ted Kaczynski, William Ayres, Mr. George P. Meteski, known as the original Mad Bomber.
(Hodgins gives him a defiant look then turns away)
ARASTOO: It seems an insurmountable task, this. Each of these could have been the cause of death and yet we will not be able to trace it’s…
HODGINS: Trace it’s? What?
ARASTOO: It’s origin. This is a bullet.
HODGINS: 22 caliber
ARASTOO: A bullet says ‘’I wish to kill you’’ much more clearly than an Olympic pin. Don’t we agree?
(Hodgins looks at it more)
HODGINS: Yup
Cut to – Beta Delta Sigma frat house
ROBERT HOOPER: I’m Robert Hooper, Beta Delta chapter president, this is Dalton Abbot, he helped Beaver steal the corpse from the medical school.
BOOTH: Listen, guys, we don’t care about the cadaver, we just want to find out who killed your brother.
ELI ROUNDER: We agreed, before you got here, that we’d answer any and all questions you have, truthfully.
SWEETS: A conspiracy to tell the truth, interesting.
ROBERT HOOPER: Yea, Eli was the Beaver’s frosh, you know, kinda breaking him in the Greek life.
SWEETS: hmm, what was Beaver like?
ROBERT HOOPER: The man was the most popular guy in the house
SWEETS: No, I asked what was he like, not was he liked.
BOOTH: Sweets
SWEETS: What? There’s a difference.
ELI ROUNDER: Look, The Beaver was exactly like a great guy, who everybody liked.
BOOTH: What was Beaver’s life like outside the fraternity?
ROBERT HOOPER: like Eli said, everybody liked him.
ELI ROUNDER: Well except for the faculty, he was on academic probation.
ROBERT HOOPER: Academic probation is the price you pay for everybody liking you.
SWEETS: Girlfriend? Or is this one of those ‘’Bros before Hoes’’ kind of frats?
ROBERT HOOPER: Beaver was more like a partier
BOOTH: Well we do know that Beaver was with at least one girl
SWEETS: Why? What makes you think so?
BOOTH: Scoreboard! (Booth gets up to get a closer look at it)
SWEETS: What?
BOOTH: Beaver. One star. One conquest
SWEETS: So do the starts, here, represent the number of times individuals members of the fraternity completed the sex act or the number of girls?
ROBERT HOOPER: The second
SWEETS: (nods) Just curious, do you also compare penis size?
ELI ROUNDER: No! Only if we’re really drunk and already naked
ROBERT HOOPER: What?
ELI ROUNDER: What? We agreed to answer all their questions truthfully.
SWEETS: Dalton Abbot, very successful, according to this, compensate for something…
BOOTH: Sweets, just stop psycho-analysing frat life and just get on with the Beaver questions.
SWEETS: Sure, of course, but guys, wouldn’t it be more impressive to actually have a single girl want to have sex with you multiple times, unless your only objective is to impress other adolescent males?
BOOTH: Guys! Beaver’s single star?
ELI ROUNDER: Molly Briggs
BOOTH: Thank you!
ELI ROUNDER: Guys, we agreed, for the last time.
ROBERT HOOPER: If Harmalard found out that the Beaver was bouncing Molly, he’d kill him.
BOOTH: Greg Harmalard? The guy who organized the bonfire?
ROBERT HOOPER: Yeah, Molly’s boyfriend, he’s in ROTC.
BOOTH: They like shooting things.
Cut to – Brennan’s office.
BRENNAN: They keep track of sexual conquest with stars on the wall?
SWEETS: It’s emotionally stunted
BOOTH: Guys, it’s a college fraternity.
BRENNAN: They seem like really terrible people.
BOOTH: They’re college kids, ok, it’s their job description to be bad, it’s what they do.
SWEETS: Yeah, but still, a community of young man mutually supporting bad decisions.
BOOTH: Look, these kids, they go out into the world, they’re alone, they have no supervision, they have to be bad just in order to figure out what it is, you know. Scientific fact, their frontal lobes are the size of raisins.
BRENNAN: No, that is not a scientific fact.
BOOTH: What they gotta do is build their frontal lobes, with exercise, ok and that comes from doing the wrong thing.
SWEETS: Ok, so your theory is, you gotta be bad to be good?
BOOTH: Exactly, facts of life, my friend, ok so what transmissions did you get from the brothers?
BRENNAN: Booth! He is not a radio!
BOOTH: He kinda is, that’s why I brought him along.
SWEETS: What I did observe, using my eyes and my training, is that these three frat brothers weren’t actually upset about Beaver’s death
BRENNAN: How do you know?
SWEETS: Well, real grief comes and goes, in waves. Those guys had their faces set in sad, the whole time. They were lying.
BRENNAN: I believe you’re just guessing!
SWEETS: Ok, fine, I’m a magic 8 ball.
BOOTH: I think you hurt his feelings.
BRENNAN: Did you believe him?
(Cam walks in)
CAM: The bullet Arastoo found in the victim’s remains was a 22 caliber, light and relatively undamaged.
BOOTH: hmm, a pressure room fire cartridge
CAM: Which is consistent with ROTC small arms…
Cut to- Interrogation room
(Booth clicks the gun)
BOOTH: so, you recognize this pistol?
GREG HARMALARD: Yes sir, it’s a Beretta U22 Neos, LR with a six inch barrel, ten round capacity, low blade front sights and adjustable rear sights. I’m in ROTC, I know my weapons.
BOOTH: And you know this one particularly well, because it was last signed out to you.
BRENNAN: FBI Balistics has ascertained that this gun fired this bullet.
GREG HARMALARD: And where did you find the bullet?
BRENNAN: In Beaver’s corpse
GREG HARMALARD: Beaver’s dead?
BOOTH: Hey! He’s catching on pretty good!
GREG HARMALARD: Hey I never shot Beaver.
BOOTH: Did you fire this gun at the rally?
GREG HARMALARD: Yes, sir, I did, but I loaded it with blanks. That was Beaver hanging in the otter mascot outfit?
BRENNAN: He’s quit adept at putting the puzzle together.
BOOTH: humm
GREG HARMALARD: What was Beaver doing in there?
BOOTH: Well, we were hoping that maybe you’d be able to tell us.
GREG HARMALARD: Look, I told you, I loaded the gun with blanks.
BOOTH: Did you check the chamber?
GREG HARMALARD: I think so.
BRENNAN: Well, obviously, you are either careless or you intended to fire the bullet.
GREG HARMALARD: Or somebody, you know, sabotaged me, Beaver had to be hanging up there for at least an hour before… No way that Beaver was still alive when I fired, right? I had no idea that it was Beaver; I had no reason to shoot Beaver.
BOOTH: Except for the fact that he slept with your girlfriend.
GREG HARMALARD: Humm, I don’t want to sound conceited but look at Beaver, look at me, look at Molly, look at me…
Cur to – float room
MOLLY BRIGGS: Me and Beaver? Sexually? Do I look like a blow-up doll?
BRENNAN: Beaver told his fraternal brothers that he had sex with you.
MOLLY BRIGGS: Yeah, well, he lied. Look, I’ll give you DNA or whatever you want and then you can do me a favor and broadcast the results across the campus.
BOOTH: Thanks. (to Brennan) We don’t have anything to compare her DNA to.
BRENNAN: I have an idea.
Cut to – Car
BOOTH: We’re gonna collect his sheets, off his bed?
BRENNAN: Yes! And then we will check them for DNA, see if he had sexual intercourse with Molly Briggs
BOOTH: Yea…who’s gonna check the kids’ sheets? Seems like a bad job to me!
BRENNAN: Uh huh
Cut to – Beta Delta Sigma frat house
(The frat brothers, dressed in Toga outfits, are around a ping pong table, doing a ceremony for Beaver
ROBERT HOOPER: Gentleman, raise your glasses. Members of the Beta Delta Sigma, I ask that you form in your mind, your favorite image of our fallen brother, Jimmy ‘’the Beaver’’ Bouvier.
FRAT BROTHERS: Bouvier!
BRENNAN: Why are they all wearing bed sheets?
BOOTH: It’s a toga memorial.
ROBERT HOOPER: And with that image formed in your mind, I say ‘’Drink!’’
(They all drink)
BRENNAN: Excuse me; did one of you take the sheets from Beaver’s room? Because that room is sealed for evidence and you will be prosecuted.
BOOTH: It’s a good one, Bones, now, on one’s gonna admit to having Beaver’s sheets.
BRENNAN: Well, then we’ll have to take them all.
ELI ROUNDER: Oh! You can take mine, pretty lady.
(He starts to undress)
ROBERT HOOPER: Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, you heard him boys, give ‘em your sheets.
(They all take theirs sheets off which makes Brennan flush)
BOOTH: I’ll, humm, meet you back at the lab.
ROBERT HOOPER: Can I…Can I offer you anything, ma’am?
BRENNAN: No!
Cut to – Front of the Diner.
(Jared arrives on his bike)
JARED: Hey, what do you think?
BOOTH: Yeah, it’s nice, not really gonna be much good around here in the wintertime, that’s for sure
JARED: You’re always practical, huh, Seeley?
BOOTH: Listen, I got you a job interview.
JARED: Yeah?
BOOTH: Ya, an army buddy of mine up in Pittsburgh is looking for someone to head up its criminal intelligence unit.
JARED: You found me a job in less than 24 hours?
BOOTH: Just an interview. You want to use my car?
JARED: No
BOOTH: Jared, you can’t show up to a job interview on a bike!
JARED: Seeley, I’m not going to the interview.
BOOTH: Why?
JARED: ‘Cause I don’t want a job. I’m gonna take this thing and I’m going in a trip.
BOOTH: Oh, you’re going on a trip? Where?
JARED: I’ve always wanted to see India, without, y’know, spying on Pakistan.
BOOTH: Oh, ok, I see. So, you’re gonna somehow get this bike to India, ride it around. What if it breaks down? What are you gonna do for parts?
JARED: What am I gonna do for parts, if It breaks down in India… That’s all you have to say to me?
BOOTH: You know what? Just go to the interview (He hands Jared that paper)
JARED: Would you… (He grabs Booth’s arm) You forgot to tell me to get shots and not talk to stangers.
(Booth leaves)
Cut to – Jeffersonian Lab, Forensic Platform
(Brennan arrives)
BRENNAN: So, where you able to match sheets with boys?
HODGINS: Believe me, there was enough DNA on these sheets to paint a very clear picture of life at Beta Delta Sigma.
CAM: For example, these two boys were carrying on a sexual relationship with each other.
HODGINS: Yeah, and those two guys were sleeping with the same girl, although, refreshingly, not at the same time.
BRENNAN: What about Beaver?
HODGINS: Oh! Lots and lots of DNA.
CAM: All of it, his own.
BRENNAN: So there’s no DNA on any of the sheets that could be Molly Briggs’?
CAM: Vaginal contributions were found on eight of the sets of sheets; none from Molly Briggs, but Dr. Hodgins did find something more than semen on Beaver’s sheets.
HODGINS: Yea, I found evidence of a vegetable-based Lanol, assorted liposomes, Sepigel, and micronized estriol.
CAM: Ointment.
HODGINS: From the stains positions on the sheets, and its shape, which was approximately three inches long by 1 ¼ inch wide
CAM: Okay, we get it!
HODGINS: The substance appears to have transferred from the victim’s penis directly to the bed sheet.
BRENNAN: Adolescent males will use almost any available lubricant when masturbating.
CAM: Even estrogen cream?
HODGINS: More plausible scenario has got Beaver sexing it up at a different location, and then coming home to his own bed, naked, and I refer you again to the imprint.
BRENNAN: Sex with…
HODGINS: An older woman, yeah, yeah, most likely menopausal.
BRENNAN: Molly Briggs is twenty.
CAM: Also, I finished my autopsy and the bullet shot by Greg Harmalard was definitely not the cause of death.
BRENNAN: He was dead when it struck him?
CAM: For at least 12 hours.
BRENNAN: So we still have no cause of death?
HODGINS: Well, I got a theory, kid died of dehydration, forgot to replenish his fluids
(Hodgins grins while Cam and Brennan wince)
Cut to – Beta Delta Sigma frat house
(Booth and Brennan enter Beaver’s room)
BRENNAN: Ok, what are we looking for this time?
BOOTH: You know, photos, love notes, I don’t know, fur, gray hair, anything that’s gonna help us identify Beaver’s cougar.
BRENNAN: Beaver, otter, cougar, this case is like a day at the zoo!
BOOTH: A cougar is an older woman who prefers younger man.
BRENNAN: Wouldn’t that indicate that every woman is a cougar?
BOOTH: Thanks for the insight there, Bones. (Booth picks up a suitcase) Ok, what’s the victim’s birthday?
BRENNAN: 11-05-89
BOOTH: I’m Jared’s older brother, you know, he should listen to me.
BRENNAN: I can provide you with several societies where younger brothers are required under pry of death to do what their older brothers tell them.
BOOTH: I like those societies.
BRENNAN: Well, they’re mostly extinct now.
BOOTH: Did you give me Beaver’s birthday the scientific way?
BRENNAN: Day, month, year, if you want month-day-year, 05-11-89
(Booth opens the suitcase)
BOOTH: Ha-ah! Look at that! So when I ask a question, just answer in American, that’s all (Booth open the suitcase, it’s full of cash) Whoa, the kid had some cash.
BRENNAN: Maybe he was a drug dealer?
BOOTH: hmmm
BRENNAN: What are those? (She picks up a notebook) some kind of code book?
BOOTH: You got that right
BRENNAN: Was our victim some kind of spy?
BOOTH: Worse! Some kind of bookie.
Cut to – Jeffersonian Lab, Angela’s office.
ANGELA: Well, Booth mostly broke the code. Column one is initials and nicknames, Beaver had approximately fifty regular clients. Column two is the day of the week
BRENNAN: What is the significance of this sequence? Foot, bat, pig, dimple, fish
BOOTH: Those are sports he took bets on, football, basketball, baseball, soccer, golf
ANGELA: Beaver had over two thousand dollars in the suitcase. This whole operation generated twelve thousand Dollars this year.
BOOTH: Whoa, no wonder this kid did not want to lose academic standing.
ANGELA: Alright, now three of these people, Zimmer, CC and 4x4, they all owed him over three grand, a piece.
BRENNAN: Do you think that could be motive?
BOOTH: I bet those are the three guys, Sweets said were faking grief.
ANGELA: Yeah, that is worth looking into. Ok, I found something else in his computer. A month ago, he hacked in the university’s computer system and went straight to the chemistry’s professor secure server and downloaded the exam.
BOOTH: This guy was a true entrepreneur.
ANGELA: Yeah, it was the third time he hacked in the chemistry’s page
BRENNAN: Who’s the professor?
ANGELA: Professor Marlene Twardosh
BOOTH: Well…
Cut to – Jeffersonian Lab
ARASTOO: Out of all the damages the victim’s remains suffered from the blunderbuss, twenty-three fractures. I discovered only three that occurred before he died.
ANGELA: Do any of them offer us cause of death?
ARASTOO: I think not. Both wrists sustained compressions fractures, the right radius, the left ulna and significant chipping to both the proximal and distal carpal rows and compressions of the lateral epicondyles.
ANGELA: Ouch, what about the third?
ARASTOO: Compression fracture, here, at the coccyx and the apex of the sacrum. These injuries appeared to have occurred at the same time.
ANGELA: He fell backwards, tried to break his fall with his hands stretch behind him.
ARASTOO: Dr. Hodgins had an idea of how to figure out the height from which the victim fell.
ANGELA: Oh! That should be good!
Cut to – Exterior of Middlesex College
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: The FBI is investigating student cheating? Who says America undervalues education?
BRENNAN: Did any of your students do suspicioulsy well on your last exam?
BOOTH: Starting with James Bouvier
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: Beaver has never done suspiciously well at anything, Agent Booth. He was about to be expelled because he failed my course.
BOOTH: Did he show any signs that he wanted to do any better?
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: You mean begging for mercy? Or offering bribes or sexual favors, that sort of things?
BRENNAN: Do you use an estrogen cream? (Booth winces at the question)
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: No… I make do with the meager hormones I produce naturally, why?
BRENNAN: Did you have sexual intercourse with Beaver?
BOOTH: What? (He looks disgusted)
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: I was joking about the sexual favors…
BRENNAN: Also about the bribes? (Booth and Twardosh look at each other)
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: My God, you people are humorless.
BRENNAN: Five students failed this exam
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: It was a tough exam
BRENNAN: They got exactly the same score, 37%, what are the chances of that?
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: I teach chemistry, you’ll have to ask professor Doowit in Statistics.
BRENNAN: But the same five students did extremely well on the two tests preceding this one…
BOOTH: Bones, what are you getting at?
BRENNAN: I believe Professor Twardosh realized that those students had stolen her tests in the past and instead of informing the university, she planted a fake test online.
BOOTH: To turn her students in?
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: No, that would results in hearings and excuses and tears and parents. I hate parents.
BOOTH: Look, your college’s experience was with professors, with was with students and jocks. What are you getting at here?
BRENNAN: I believe Professor Twardosh took revenge against unethical students who had no respects for knowledge.
BOOTH: And you approve?
BRENNAN: Yes, I do! Beaver was obviously an emerging criminal
(Twardosh smiles)
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: Thank you, I may need you to testify at my termination hearing when the university finds out.
BOOTH: Can I ask you a question? What floor is your office on?
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: The third floor
BRENNAN: Over grass?
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: Over flagstones. On my bad days, I consider jumping. You’re a forensic anthropologist, correct, would it kill me?
BRENNAN: No, Professor Twardosh, probably just break a few bones.
PROFESSOR TWARDOSH: That’s good to know!
Cut to- FBI, lobby of Booth’s office.
(Booth and Sweets are walking in the lobby between the elevators, the kitchen and Booth’s office)
SWEETS: So, I checked out the nicknames of the kids who owed Beaver money
BOOTH: Are those the guys you put down as not being sad he was dead?
SWEETS: Huh, yeah, walking pretty fast!
BOOTH: Huh, so did any of those three frat guys set off your psycho-killer alarm?
SWEETS: No, no, no. They display a fairly banal mix of social awkwardness, narcissism, inappropriate fantasies, all within the normal range.
BOOTH: Even the ROTC guy?
SWEETS: Well, like most over-achievers, he displays a slight Oedipal neurosis. Will you share with me why you are so agitated?
BOOTH: You know what? My brother Jared is ruining his life
SWEETS: Oh! He’s drinking again?
BOOTH: No, I’m pretty sure he was dried out before his Court Martial.
SWEETS: Then why the recent urge to self-destruct?
BOOTH: I set up a perfectly great job interview for him, but instead he decides he just wants to travel across India on his motorcycle. Yeah, that’s right, talk about a narcissistic dependence on stupidity!
SWEETS: Uh huh, you are him!
BOOTH: This is exactly why I don’t talk to you about this kind of things.
SWEETS: ‘K, I’m gonna suggest that you’re jealous of your brother’s decision
BOOTH: I don’t want to go to India.
SWEETS: You feel trapped here by the responsible nature of your job, your interpersonal relations.
BOOTH: What?
SWEETS: Whereas Jared is completely free.
BOOTH: I am free! Free as a bird, free to do whatever I want!
SWEETS: Yeah, what you’re not free to do is control your brother’s life.
BOOTH: Control Jared? Good luck with that one!
SWEETS: It’s not for a lack of trying. Of course, you could always get a motorbike and go with him.
BOOTH: A motorbike? A motorbike is used for people who deliver pizzas in Amsterdam. Yup. India is large and vast (Sweets gets in the elevator) Right! I’m getting an American motorcycle!
Cut to – Jeffersonian Lab
HODGINS: This dummy’s exactly the same weight as our victim, correct?
ARASTOO: 69.853 Kg, yes, and why are we the only ones here?
HODGINS: I, uh, asked everyone to leave. Ok, now, I have installed four sensors in the wrists and in the back of the spine so we should be able to gage the height from which the victim fell, within a few centimeters, after only a few trials.
ARASTOO: Why did you ask everyone to leave? Are we doing something shameful?
HODGINS: Nah, it’s just…last time I dropped something from up there, it bounced and injured An (Hodgins realizes he’s about to say Angela’s name) an innocent bystander, but nobody’s here this time, so. (To his laptop) Coccyx text number one, Dr. Jack Hodgins supervising
CAM: No, no, no, no
HODGINS: I…
CAM: no, no,
HODGINS: But…
CAM: No, stop! This is an unnecessary experiment. The height of the fall can be calculated mathematically.
ARASTOO: That is true, but I decided to humor Dr Hodgins so we could bond over a project
CAM: Why do you need to bond?
ARASTOO: He mistrusts Muslims. (Hodgins nods in agreement)
CAM: Go grab a beer together, but I am saying no to this experiment
HODGINS: Yeah, I got that during the part where you said no, seven times in a row.
CAM: I find that you don’t pay attention during the first six. (Cam leaves)
HODGINS: He can’t drink beer, he’s Muslim!
Cut to - Angela’s office.
ANGELA: Hodgins and Arastooo have an estimate if how far the victim fell.
CAM: 1.37 meters onto a hard surface.
ANGELA: You know what this means, don’t you?
CAM: Yup! Dr. Brennan is gonna stare at the bones until they speak to her.
ANGELA: So, rock, paper, scissors to see who stays to babysits her?
CAM: Ok.
(Angela pulls a rock, Cam pulls the scissors)
ANGELA: Yess!
CAM: Best two out of three!
(Angela sighs, She pulls the paper while cam pulls the rock)
CAM: Damn!
Cut to – examination room
(Brennan is examining every bone, one by one. She sees a small hole in the sternum)
BRENNAN: Cam? (Cam comes in) Booth’ll want to know, I found cause of death.
CAM: Alright!
Cut to – FBI meeting room
CAM: Professor Twardosh was not Beaver’s sex partner
BOOTH: ‘K, did anyone think that? Honestly? Because I did not.
BRENNAN: Booth believes that the cringe facto was too high, even though cringe factor is not a valid mathematical construct.
BOOTH: Believe me, it is! Ok, so the three boys that owed Beaver money all have alibis.
ANGELA: Four people bought the bogus exam from Beaver, all members of the golf team. At the time of his death though, they were at a tournament in North Carolina.
BOOTH: Great, so all we know now is that golfers cheat a lot.
BRENNAN: We know that Beaver was killed by being stabbed in the chest
CAM: A very small hole, perhaps an ice pick, punctured his aorta, he bled to death.
BRENNAN: We also know that shortly before he died, he fell backward 1.37 meters, fracturing his wrists and his coccyx.
BOOTH: Ok, so he fell backwards, that makes sense
ANGELA: Something’s bothering me about this. I went through the kid’s computer and there’s absolutely no indication that he had the skills to hack in the University’s secure server.
BOOTH: Well, it was probably one of his fraternity brothers that hacked in.
BRENNAN: Well, Mister Vaziri and I will figure out exactly what weapon killed Beaver.
BOOTH: Right!
(Booth turns around to leave)
BRENNAN: What are you going to do?
BOOTH: Uh, something personal
BRENNAN: What?
BOOTH: Personal! Personal means personal, you know, not for the public (He leaves)
BRENNAN: Uh…I’m not the public!
Cut to – Diner
(Jared and Booth are having lunch)
BOOTH: You know, the roads suck in India, when they’re dry and…and they turn into rivers when the monsoons come. I tell you what, trucks don’t even give way to anyone.
JARED: Will you give the lifeguard thing a rest, Seeley, alright?
BOOTH: State department had advised that there’s a heighten security concern for anyone travelling alone in India.
JARED: Then come with me. I mean that way, now you can watch over me every minute.
BOOTH: You know what? Everywhere you’ve gone, you’ve always had the full might of the United States government behind you
JARED: Yeah, I know. You were a frontline guy, a fire eater and I was just a rear echelon wimp.
BOOTH: I never said that
JARED: If you’re so worried, come along and I’ll have the full might of Seeley Booth behind me.
BOOTH: Seriously? I didn’t think you were serious.
JARED: I wasn’t when I said it…but now I am. Yeah,I’m serious.
BOOTH: You want me to come to India with you.
(Jared nods)
JARED: Ball’s in your court, brother. (He leaves)
Cut to - FBI Interrogation room
(Sweets is interrogating Eli Rounder)
ELI ROUNDER: I’m a freshman pledge; Beaver was kinda like my mentor in the fraternity.
SWEETS: When Beaver, your mentor, asked you to hack in Professor Twardosh’s files, to steal the test, what did you think?
ELI ROUNDER: At first, I said no, but you know what?
SWEETS: He was your brother.
ELI ROUNDER: That’s right. He was a brother who was on academic probation. I mean, he was gonna get expelled if he didn’t pass the chem. Course, plus I know it may not have looked like it on the outside, but Beaver was a great guy. So, I had to help him.
SWEETS: Our computer experts said some info was erased from Beaver’s hard drive, erased by someone who knew what they were doing.
(Eli raises his hand)
ELI ROUNDER: That was me too. Jpg files, I think about thirty of them.
SWEETS: Digital photographs?
ELI ROUNDER: Yeah, I didn’t see any of them, but before I permanently deleted them, Beaver had asked me to put four specific ones onto a USB drive. So I did it. Look, I told you everything, ok, but if my college finds out that I hacked in the chem test, they’re gonna kick me to the curb, ok, they don’t care about brothers.
SWEETS: Well, I care about brothers, who are great guys, Eli, more importantly, I report to the FBI, not Middlesex College.
ELI ROUNDER: Thanks
Cut to – Jeffersonian Lab – Angela’s office
BOOTH: Ok, what have you got?
CAM: We found the hacker. He told Sweets he put some very sensitive images in a USB drive for Beaver.
BRENNAN: A damaged USB drive was amongst the shrapnel Mr. Vaziri removed from the remains. `
ANGELA: There’re four JPG files on this drive. Two of them are total goners, but here’s what I got for number three.
BOOTH: Concentrate there. That looks like a face
ANGELA: Yeah, that’s Beaver
BRENNAN: Is he being tortured?
CAM: Not exactly
BOOTH: It’s, uh, it’s a sex face, Bones. Can you pull up anything else to ID who he was with?
ANGELA: No…but this one’s almost done.
BOOTH: Whoa
BRENNAN: Is that a cougar?
CAM: She could be in her forties
BOOTH: Ok, print it and we’ll see which member of the faculty this one is.
Cut to – Jeffersonian Lab, Forensic Platform
ARASTOO: There is no accelerated compression of the bone around the wound.
BRENNAN: So, the shaft of the weapon was uniform in thickness. If there were no lip on the outside, then we’d know it was a projectile that caused the wound.
ARASTOO: Yes, a one-way trip, so to speak, but since there was a lip, we know it was a return trip for the weapon into the aorta and back. As the weapon entered, it was going substantially faster than when it was withdrawn,
BRENNAN: A shaft consistent with…
(She pulls up a nail)
ARASTOO: Someone hammered a nail in the victim then pulled it out?
BRENNAN: No, not hammered, Mr. Vaziri, shot.
ARASTOO: A nail gun?
(She nods)
BRENNAN: A nail gun.
Cut to – Middlesex College
BOOTH: You recognize this woman, Dean Warner.
DEAN WARNER: Yes, I know this woman, where’d you get the photo?
BRENNAN: Off the victim’s computer.
BOOTH: Who is she?
DEAN WARNER: Her name is Meredith Warner. She’s my wife.
Cut to – FBI Interrogation room
BOOTH: We’ve been trying to track down you wife, guess what?
BRENNAN: It’s been a week since anyone saw her.
DEAN WARNER: You think I killed my wife and James Bouvier.
BRENNAN: Have you seen the photographs before?
DEAN WARNER: It was just over a week ago, which was when I suggested to Meredith that it was a good time for her to visit her sister in Toronto.
BOOTH: Why was it a good time?
DEAN WARNER: Because the boy threatened to put the photos of them together all over the internet if I didn’t let him stay in school.
BRENNAN: Beaver failed his chemistry test, you were going to expel him.
DEAN WARNER: Yeah. I declined to be blackmailed.
BRENNAN: Did the photos ever appear on the internet?
DEAN WARNER: They did not
BOOTH: Is that because you killed Beaver?
DEAN WARNER: I have nothing more to say other than I did not kill the boy. I’m even a little sorry that he’s dead. So either arrest me and let me call my lawyer or let me go.
BOOTH: Okay! Vernon Warner, I am placing you under arrest for the murder of James Bouvier. Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to remain silent.
Cut to – Car
BRENNAN: It doesn’t make sense! I mean, logically, it doesn’t make sense.
BOOTH: Yeah, I know.
BRENNAN: But the dean kills the kid with a nail gun and places him in the mascot costume that’s full of leftovers.
BOOTH: I know, doesn’t make sense.
BRENNAN: No, that’s what I said
BOOTH: Exactly, that’s what I’m saying too! Doesn’t make sense.
BRENNAN: Why did you arrest him?
BOOTH: Pissed me off, y’know, instead of helping, he starts screaming for a lawyer…Jared wants me to go to India with him.
BRENNAN: Indiana?
BOOTH: India! OK, Taj Mahal, cows, tigers, cobras, Slumdog Millionaire.
BRENNAN: yes…I know. Are you going?
BOOTH: We don’t like each other.
BRENNAN: So…not going?
BOOTH: I mean, he’s my brother, so I love him.
BRENNAN: I’m confused, you are going?
BOOTH: I mean, Jared should not go to India alone, he’ll get in all kinds of trouble.
BRENNAN: You said he’s never been alone.
BOOTH: Exactly, you know what? He’ll get eaten alive
BRENNAN: If you go with him, then he won’t be alone, you won’t let him be bad and his frontal lobe will always be the size of a raison, that’s what you said. Makes no scientific sense.
BOOTH: Yea, I said that…got it (He nods)
Cut to – Jeffersonian Lab
(Booth, Brennan and Arastoo are walking towards Brennan’s office)
ARASTOO: I did an inventory of the nails found in the victim’s body. There were thirty-six.
BRENNAN: Arastoo, we know the nail that pierced the aorta was pulled out of the victim.
ARASTOO: Yes, but I thought, perhaps, the killer didn’t throw it away. Perhaps, he simply left it on the body. One never knows.
BOOTH: One never does
ARASTOO: I examined the nails very carefully for marks that would confirm it was shot from a nail gun. A nail gun leaves distinctive marks, not from the hammering mechanism, you understand, but from the reloading mechanism.
BOOTH: Why are you telling me this?
ARASTOO: Dr. Brennan said to be especially polite with out when the science is difficult.
BOOTH: How stupid do you people think I am?
BRENNAN: Booth?
BOOTH: Yeah?
BRENNAN: Do you recognize this nail?
(She shows him the head of the nail, which has a star marking on it)
BOOTH: Oh!
Cut to – Float room
(Booth, Brennan and Sweets enter the room housing the float, which is full of nails with the same star marking. Booth grabs the nail gun that is on the float and gets up on it. He shots a nail on one of the panels, then pulls it out to reveal the same star marking seen on the nail that was found in Beaver’s remains. Sweets looks at the reactions from the students, and he singles out Molly Briggs)
SWEETS: She’s the one you want.
Cut to – Interrogation room and the viewing room.
(Booth and Brennan interrogate Molly Briggs while Sweets is looking on in the viewing room)
MOLLY BRIGGS: Beaver came up to me, I was working on the float he wa always hitting on me.
BOOTH: You didn’t like Jimmy?
MOLLY BRIGGS: Not in the way, y’know?
BOOTH: Why did you shoot Beaver with the nail gun?
MOLLY BRIGGS: Look, everybody went for a coffee, I stayed. Beaver must have been waiting, cause he shows up and he’s all ‘’come on, everybody thinks we’re doing it, might as well make it official’’ and I’ve been up all night, all night, right,
BOOTH: Working
MOLLY BRIGGS: So he moves in closer and sticks his tongue right in my mouth. That’s assault.
BOOTH: Right. That is assault.
(Brennan gets up and leaves the room)
BOOTH: You’re right. That is assault.
MOLLY BRIGGS: And y’know, I’ve got this nail gun and I just pulled the trigger, and Beaver falls off the float, onto his back, and he’s hurt. He’s hurt with this nail sticking out of his chest and he says ‘’pull it out, pull it out’’ and I say to him ‘’I’ve seen on TV, things like this, you leave it in, leave it in’’ but he pulls it out himself.
BOOTH: You’re right and he dies
(Brennan enters the viewing room)
MOLLY BRIGGS: Everybody believed that we were sleeping together; maybe they would believe I killed him. So I put his body in the mascot, before anyone came back.
BRENNAN: I Have to admit, I’m impressed you picked her out of the crowd. How did you do it?
SWEETS: You’re not gonna believe me anyway, you’re just gonna say I guessed, so have it your way. I guessed. (He turns to leave)
BRENNAN: No, I don’t think you’re serious. I’d…I’d like to know what you saw!
Cut to – Founding Fathers
(Booth entersand sits at the bar with Jared)
BOOTH: Ok
JARED: You’re not coming, are you?
BOOTH: You really wanted me to?
JARED: Does it matter?
BOOTH: You know, I was going to. I really was, but uh, I think you should go alone.
JARED: You think it’s a good idea for me to go to India.
BOOTH: Yeah, I do, alone. Our whole lives, as kids, I was always standing behind you. Or you had the Navy stand behind you, but this time, y’know, I think you should stand alone. You don’t need your big brother.
JARED: So, come as a friend.
BOOTH: We both know, I’m not your friend. I’m your big brother.
JARED: Yup (They cling bottles)
BOOTH: Alright, right, so, got you something.
(Booth puts a medallion on the counter)
JARED: It’s Grandpa’s St-Christopher’s medallion.
BOOTH: Noo, no. It’s a new one. I got you that.
JARED: Seeley, it looks like the one Grandpa gave you.
BOOTH: Nooo, Grandpa gave me mine when I was shipped out to the rangers. This one, I’m giving to you. Patron Saint of Travelers. It kept me safe in Somalia; let’s hope it does the same for you in India. Wear it around your neck.
JARED: I don’t know man, am I alone if I take a Saint with me?
BOOTH: You’re not alone (Booth smiles)
JARED: Thanks
(Jared gets up to leave)
BOOTH: Hey! Don’t forget your jacket!
(Jared leaves. Booth goes on the other side of the bar and sits where Brennan joins him)
BRENNAN: How’d he take it?
BOOTH: Ahh, it’s Jared, meaning I have no idea.
BRENNAN: So, uh, do you…do you really think you have to be bad to be good?
BOOTH: Yeah, I do.
BRENNAN: Well, I’ve never done anything bad.
BOOTH: I believe you
BRENNAN: I mean, I’ve made mistakes, of course, but I’ve never purposely done anything bad.
BOOTH: And I believe you.
BRENNAN: I don’t want my frontal lobe to be a dried up raisin.
BOOTH: You know what? We’re going to do something bad now!
BRENNAN: What?
BOOTH: Have you ever dined and dashed? You know the concept, right? We’re gonna run outta here without paying the bill.
BRENNAN: No…That’s stealing
BOOTH: That’s why they call it bad. We’re doing something bad.
BRENNAN: No! No! I can’t…really? NO
BOOTH: Come on
(Booth gets up)
BRENNAN: No!
BOOTH: One
BRENNAN: Are you serious?
BOOTH: Two
BRENNAN: Oh my God!
BOOTH: Three Go, go go
(She gets up and starts running. Booth takes out a bill from his pocket and leaves it on the bar. He runs after her)
BRENNAN: No, No, OH! We’re bad. We’re bad
BOOTH: Get in the car
BRENNAN: Woohoo! We’re baaaaad!
END.
